速求英语课前演讲的一篇150来字的英语小幽默能给出来汉语意思吗？水平太低了！

速求英语课前演讲的一篇150来字的英语小幽默
能给出来汉语意思吗？
水平太低了！

petty trick(小聪明)
Mrs.Adams'old grandfather lived with her and her husband.Every morning he went for a walk in the park and came home at half past twelver for his lunch.亚当斯夫人的老祖父和她夫妇俩住在一起.每天早上,他都到公园去散步,然后在十二点回家吃午饭.
But one morning a police car stopped outside Mrs.Adams' house at twelve o'clock,and two policemen helped her grandfather to get out."The poor old gentleman lost his way in the park and called us for help,so we sent a car to bring him home."Mrs.Adams was very suprised,but she thanked the policemen and they left.但有一天上午十二点的时候,一辆警车停在了亚当斯夫人家门外,然后两个警察扶着她祖父出来了,"这位可怜的老人在公园迷路了,并打电话给我们求助,所以我们派了辆车把他送回家."亚当斯夫人很吃惊,但她谢了警察,然后他们离开.
"But,Grandfather,"she then said,"you've been to the park nearly every day for twenty years.How did you lose your way there?""爷爷",然后她说,"二十年来你几乎每天都要去公园,你怎么会在那里迷路呢?"
The old man smiled,closed one eye and said,"I didn't quite lose my way.I just got tired and I didn't want to walk home!"老人笑了,闭上一只眼睛说,"我没迷路,我只是累了,不想走回家!"

Fine for Parking 停车罚款
Tell me again," asked the judge, "
"告诉我多一次"陪审团说why you parked there?"
为什么停在那儿The driver rose and answered respectfully(尊敬地),
司机尊敬地回答道 "Because, Your Honor, it...

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Fine for Parking 停车罚款
Tell me again," asked the judge, "
"告诉我多一次"陪审团说why you parked there?"
为什么停在那儿The driver rose and answered respectfully(尊敬地),
司机尊敬地回答道 "Because, Your Honor, it said 'Fine for Parking'" (note: "fine" has two meanings 1) good 2) pay some money for doing something wrong.
因为,法官阁下,就是说,FINE OF PARKING
FINE有两个意思,1,好,2,罚款
Self-help
I went into a bookstore the other day and asked the woman behind the counter where the self-help section was. She said, "If I told you, that would defeat the whole purpose." (note: "self-help" has two meanings 1) you take without paying 2) you can choose as you like)
I Couldn't Digest So Many Apples
Doctor gravely(严肃地): "If you want to enjoy a long life, each time you feel like a drink. Eat an apple instead." Patient: "Sorry, I couldn't digest(消化） so many apples."
Is This a Question
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination. On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question? " A student wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer." The students received an "A" on the exam.
A Dollar Per Point
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
Second language
A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.
Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was so terrified that it ran for it's life.
Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "Now, do you understand the value of a second language?"
一只母老鼠带着孩子出来散步，突然她看见一只猫正在灌木丛中虎视耽耽。
母老鼠向着猫叫道：“汪，汪，汪”，猫听了非常害怕，拼命跑走了。
母老鼠回过头洋洋自得的对孩子说：“现在你知道外语的重要性了吧。”

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