1.\x05Caring for children is probably the most important thing of the society.It is suggested that all mothers and fathers should be required to take the childcare training courses.To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?(教育)To

1.\x05Caring for children is probably the most important thing of the society.It is suggested that all mothers and fathers should be required to take the childcare training courses.To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?(教育)
Today,childcare has become a priority for many parents,some of which choose to take participate in training courses for better taking care of their children.The issue of whether all parents should access to childcare training courses,in my view,is not a compulsory task,but aims on each family’s status.
I would agree that acquiring knowledge of childcare is beneficial to the parents who attend the classes.Unlike traditional training courses,modern childcare courses,which provide not only physical education but psychological development knowledge as well rather than simply oral and informal instruction.In addition,giving children an early education in favorable environment is essential for their further development as personalities and characteristics of children are shaped in their early ages.In my observation,a certain amount of parents even quit their jobs and dedicate time to their children whole-heartedly.
Nevertheless it should be recognized that due to the rapid development of the current society,many parents feel stressed out at work and do not have enough time to attend childcare training courses although they would be well-devised to spend more time on their offspring.Besides,attendance can not be guaranteed due to the long distance.Furthermore,in all likelihood,such activities like childcare training courses geared towards promotion of products.Because of increasing more childcare training centers appear in cities and the childcare itself is a complex science,many parents merely follow other’s advices blindly.
So my conclusion is that it is not practical for all parents attending childcare courses for many reasons,despite the fact that it plays a vital role for children’s growing process.Access to those courses should be optional rather than compulsory.

important可以考虑替换为 高分词汇 crucial 或 essential
disagree with是普通词组,建议替换为frown on sth
childcare...course the childcare training courses compulsory...task acquiring knowledge of childcare more childcare training centers 语法不规范,请确认
rapid development在做“迅速增长”讲时,是普通词组,建议替换为a boom
建议你直接到新东方的批改网提交一下,有外教批改,还能给你范文重写什么的,打的分也比较准
我从那改过,还不错.还有品论、修改意见什么的
新东方批改网作文“七步”评分流程
1 明确批改级别
2 查看作文题目
3 通览作文冰雨反馈区做简单评语
4 逐行批改作文,指出并修改错误,同时表明错误类型
5 对作文的逻辑结构,论据相关性,行文连贯性等问题在评论区进行评论
6 给出作文在以下四项评分指标方面的分值：
Response to the prompt
切题
Organization
文章结构
Development and Details
内容展开及逻辑性
Grammar
语法准确性
7 换算成相应考试的作文评分

6.5+
主题段开头两段论点 猛一看 有些许重复词
建议development knowledge转化下 如 advancement improvement skills 之类
衔接词使用不错 雅思作文就考语言能力~

lz写的的确很急 大片大片的typos， 最主要是模仿痕迹太重，折中写法， 立意不高； 打7分鼓励一下 简单点评两处： There is nothing wrong with the